I can't get you out of my head. My mind is racing from every word that we said. I know i'm not falling, I already fell. I'm under your spell.

just watched Dear John again. I love this movie! It always makes me cry, but The Notebook will always be my favorite movie.

Big changes

So I have decided not to continue at BYU.  I am going to take the two year photography program at UVU and then an internship in Park City.  Hopefully by then I will have the money and experience to open a studio or take wedding, bridal and announcement pictures.  I want to have a family so that will be the most important besides the getting the associates degree.  Its strange when you figure where you want to go and where your priorities really are.  I feel very strongly that this is where I should go and what I need to be doing.  I'm happy and thats the most important thing.
Here are some random pictures that I took and decided to put with this entry

Festival of Colors

Wow i haven't posted in a while. but today I went to the Festival of Colors and had a blast.  Its in Spanish Fork, Utah at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple.  It is amazing and so much fun.  You wouldn't think that this place even existed in the middle of Mormonville Utah but it does.  So many people go. Its insane and I loved it.  Everyone should go! Here are some pics (sorry i forgot my camera so they are pics from my phone)

This was one of the best and funnest (if thats a real word) parts but they only problem is you can't breathe.

This is not the entire crowd it.  There was a lot more people but many are behind us.

(and don't worry this is when we first got there, by the time we left we had so much color on us you couldn't see our skin)

Oh the cleverness of me!

I have to say I am a brilliant and clever person.  Really.  I seriously have gotten my way all day today, all week, all month.  Yes, somethings didn't seem like I wanted them to happen one way but they furthered my overall purpose.  Now I am not an evil person, nor diabolical in any way.  Just very clever!

Gilmore Girls-Monkey, monkey, underpants

Gilmore girls
"Maybe if you just put pen to paper?"-Rori




"I tried that. I thought 'I'll just sit down and write. Whatever comes, no judgement, no inner critic.' Boy was that a bad idea."-Lorelai



"Really, why?"



"Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. 'I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My Blue dress is at the cleaner's. The german's wore grey, you wore blue Casablanca Casablanca is such a good movie Casablanca the White House Bush Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey monkey underpants.'"

Glasses

So my eyes have ulcers in them. Didn't know that could happen but hey at least now I know.  So I can't wear contacs for a few weeks so I had to get glasses for the first time in 6 years.  I am legally blind so it was a necessity but I am happy to say that I like them and they look good on me. I will probably go back to wearing contacts most of the time when I can but I am happy to have these glasses as well.  Maybe I will publish a pic eventually. Well thats all toodles!

Blue eyes

Why must blue eyes distract me so?  I mean seriously I have the hardest time concentrating on anything else but those blue blue eyes, oh and that chiseled jaw and those strong arms ....... sigh.........! But really I can I think about are those blue eyes........

Please..... lets work this out.....please don't go

Why can't we just talk it out?  Why did you just decide to ignore me and delete me from your life and not let me know why?  You just can't do that.  What happened?  I want to find out what happened.  I want to see if we can clear the air and maybe fix it.  But I can't if you won't let it happen and won't answer.  I know you are angry others have said you are but please talk to me.

Who I am

I found myself.  I don't know how I ended up confused, lost, and not knowing what to do.  I am a photographer and will always be a photographer.  I love seeing the beauty of this world and I love being able to capture it, to capture moments of time and hold on to it.  I love looking at the world through my lens and seeing it framed.  I love capturing moments in peoples lives and seeing their soul reflected back in a picture.  My dream and my goal is to be a photographer, taking pictures around the world as well as owning a studio.  This is who I am and I know it.  I won't ever doubt it again. 

Restless

So yesterday I did something very strange.  After my class I got in my car and headed south I guess towards the Provo Mall.  I passed the mall and got on the freeway still heading south.  I kept driving south, past Springville and just kept driving eventally I got off the freeway and turned around in Santaquin.  I was deeply tempted to just keep going.  Not really sure where I would have ended up but as I turned around part of me felt depressed to be going back.  I drove home and that was that.  It was a strange feeling.  I think I need a vacation to get away or something more exciting to happen right now.  I'm restless. 

My life as a story

I have discovered in many ways that my life is like a story.  Now you may be thinking isn't all peoples lives like a story?  Don't we all have introductions, plots, challenges, trials, love, and endings?  And my answer is Why, yes we do!  But recently while thinking about all that has happened in my life I came to the conclusion that I look at my life like a story.  When I think about past events and moments I think of it as rereading a part in a story.  I see the characters move about, how they think, act, and discribe my settings as if I was reading it. Now this may not be very interesting to you and it may seem like a random topic and idea that popped into my head but this is not your blog its mine.  Ha ha

Me

This is a quote that I think really explains me. "I arise from the ashes of doubt, of depression and of self pity. I arise a new being - strong, confident, beautiful and without limits!"

HELP!!! I'M LOST!!!!

I just feel like I've lost myself.  I don't know where I am going or what road I am even on.  I'm like on this littel side stand staring at a blank map, confused.  I want to scream out HELP!!!!! and hope that some magically Fairy Godmother comes floating down to my rescue.  But sadly that won't happen.  :-(   I'm sure I will figure out where I am going sooner or later, I just that right now I wasn't stuck.

Is it too late? or is it fate?

Thanks again Trace for the pic!

Is it too late to patch up something that has been shredded and torn so many times?  We fight and frustrate each other, pick on each others weakness, and try to excite each others fanatasies.  Yet I am afraid to move ahead.  I keep myself at a distance in order to maintain control in order to not let myself not get hurt.  I have felt this way before and it ended badly.  I try to keep myself busy knowing that this feeling will come again in another form and another person but am I really going to just let this go and not do anything.  Maybe I should see what happens, see if something is actually there?

Secrets

Secrets are hard to keep when someone gets really close to you.  You want to tell them, you want them to understand and you want not to lie to them anymore but you can't tell them.

I want to tell him, but I can't.  Its not something I want known, at least not right now.  I completely trust him, but this is something that needs to just be left alone for now.  But its killing me inside that I am not telling him, but it would kill me more to tell him. 

Snow snow go away

How much longer do we need to be in this cold, cold weather.  Seriously it is bumming me out.  I can't wait till I don't have to wear a long coat and scarf and gloves all the time.  It wouldn't be so annoying if I didn't have to take my coat and scarf and gloves off at the beginning of class and then put it back on at the end of class.  UGH! Snow, snow go away....... far far far away...... and stay away till Christmas then go away again, please.  I need summer!!!

His haunting face

This picture is one my friend did for me when I was discribing the guy in my dream.

 Its not him exactly but i do love it.  Thanks Trace!

Last night I had the strangest dream about someone I haven't seen in a long time.  I woke up startle from this dream and layed in bed with it still hovering on my mind.  I couldn't believe the rush of emotions, the pounding of my heart, and the haunting of his face when ever I closed my eyes.  I could not believe my physical reaction to seeing him once again.  It was as if I was struck by lightening.  It was like he was actually in my dream daring me feel something, to do something, to want him and need him in a way that I have never felt before.  All i saw of him in the dream was him passing by on a crowded street.  I stopped when I saw him and when he saw me staring at him he just smiled a smile as if he could read my mind and my emotions when I saw him and then he walked on and I woke up.  The bright, whiteness of his smile, his cool demenor, the piercing of his eyes still haunts my mind and my heart.  Oh to see him again in reality instead of my dreams would be perfection.  To have his lips kiss mine and his arms hold me would be heaven.  Yet here I am stuck in perpetual dullness of life and he is far away.  I do not know how to get away from his haunting face and I don't think I ever want to.

The mask

Walking along the sidewalk, in a store or any crowded place, I often find myself look at others, observing others, and the mask each of them wears.  Every mask is different.  Different colors, shapes, drawings, and designs.  They display emotions, true and false identities, or their soul.  Often what is seen is not what they really appear to be.  Angels can have hidden demons.  Darkness have the saving light.  Many do not even get to see the mask removed.  We set ourselves as who we want to be, who we want people to see us as.  Or make it so people see something they don't want to see deeper.  But really we are the masks we wear.  We display them so vibrately.  We become who we display.  We live our fantasy, our lie, until someone has the courage to ripped it off of us, exposing who we once were, the deepest part of our soul that was trapped.  That is the person who will set you free from a world of masks.  They are those you can trust, they are those who will help, they are those who will never leave.

Reflection

Well with everything that has happened, not a lot has changed.  With these changes and what has happened I have been very reflective on what has happened in my life up to this point and surprisingly when I would remember one particular moment suddenly years and years of memories have come flooding back.  I actually marveled at how much I have changed over the years and how my friends and those who I have come to rely on are so different from each other.  But also as much as I have changed my feelings towards those I have know in the past have not changed.  I still am grateful and love my friends who I met and played with at a young age, even my childhood 'loves' bring back fond and happy memories.  While reflecting on my life I wondered how I became who I am.  When I was a little girl I was very imaginative, creative and very very social  My family did not have a lot of money and I was left to come up with the fun in my life.  I could make a tree into a carwash or a shop, a shed became a house or a fort, even a pile of rocks became a castle.  Incedibly when I moved and my circumstances became better and bigger,  My imagination changed.  I suddenly had a huge tv, a huge room, a giant back yard, and video games.  I also was older and the little kids stuff was seen as babyish and immature.  As I got older the more I would relish the small child like qualities I had.  I still have my imagination and creativity.  I now adapt to new situations and new technologies with ease and because of my social nature as a child I am still very social and can find common ground with anyone.  I now realize how much my family and friends have shaped me into the women I have become and to them I am most grateful.   

The principle of the matter

There has been some talk and stuff with one of my previous blogs.  I can see how harsh it is but i stand my the principle that never apologizing what what I write and never delete what I write.  I was frustrated, angry, and upset, therefore I blogged it out.  I needed to get it out and I had my lap top so I did.    

I love it when someone exaggerates something in order to cause drama. . . . Don't you?

"All is fair in love and war"

I will never understand people who do one thing and say something else.  The other day while on facebook I was bored, waiting for a friend to be ready to go and I was chatting with some people.  I happened to click on my other friend's ex and said 'hey'.  I knew him it was no big deal.  Our conversation was seriously two seconds and that was it.  I mentioned it in passing to my friend who told my other friend and now she is mad at me for talking to her ex, like I was trying to steal him or get him or whatever, which I am not.  My old high school group of friends is ending.  We all know it is but some are trying to keep it patched up even if they know that we can't be the same as we were in high school.  People change, situations change, life changes.  Thats that.  We are not the same people we were in high school. Some of us have changed for the better, and some (I think) have changed for the worse.  Some of them think that one of my friends is dramatic and that her family craves drama, when in reality it was them who were causing most of the drama anyways. 

Well thats my rant.

A New Year with new goals

Last year was ....... well interesting to say the least.  A lot of good things happened, some very exciting but this year was no exception to disappointments, fails, depression and such.  This year I have a whole new set of goals and to do some of them I am going to have to let go of the past even if that means I let some of the people I love.  It is a sad fact but sometimes life cannot move on with out doing so.  I have to be ready for the coming years whatever they may hold for me.  This year will be a good year, full of new adventures mixed with some old ones as well.